Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.