It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
it’s the silliest best thing
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying