It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH