Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

there’s music for literally every activity

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.