It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Sign of the day..
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?