Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Story time

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes