Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.