Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

I cannot stop laughing at this

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak