It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
shut up and take my money
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.