Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

This dude got his own movie?

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

me irl

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement