Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Seems legit.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.