It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I put the hot in psychotic.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I know
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.