It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
@funTweeters
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
That time Alicia messaged me
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Ugh but profoundly