Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

next question.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.