Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.