Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

The most precious boy

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”