It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
These aliens are taking forever.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”