It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.