Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces