It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later