It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.



My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.


[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people


Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.


My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.


I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”


-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you


I will out-dad you simply by placing more burgers on my grill than yours. How many burgers is that? I have 27


My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?