It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
You Might Also Like
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
my sentiments exactly
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Cause of death: Zumba
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
sleeping beauty