It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Oh yeh? Explain this then
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad