It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.