“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
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Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.