Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Its a hippotatomus

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems