It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me too, bag. Me too….
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it