Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY