Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast