Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost