Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins