It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
why isn’t he texting back
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My kitchen overserved me.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.