It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
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*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Y’all know who you are.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.