It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
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“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
B
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.