It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
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girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Great Canadian literature.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back