It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
You Might Also Like
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My Sentiments Exactly
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free