It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
New menu item
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.