Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.