It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
This is hilarious
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
😂🖐️
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location