It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh