It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.