It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
