It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.