It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”