It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.