Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.