It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The first one, obviously
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño