Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

happy friday

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.