Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

synchronized noseblowing

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.