“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Don’t touch that.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield