It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic

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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..


Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.


Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link


If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough


Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.


Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.


“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys



Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so


If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.


*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so