5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I put the h in mysterious.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.