Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

HR said no more nunchucks.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?