It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I beg you to euthanise me
*watches the world burn*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.