It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Not today, today.
Not today.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away