Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

emergency phone

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo