Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

😂😂😂

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.