Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

I occasionally drink every single night.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.