It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.