It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
is this store having a stroke wtf
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.