‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body