It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
😎 🍻
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’m being attacked 😭
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…