Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

A roof is a house hat.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

My god she’s good.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.