It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Canada has crack?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?