Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester