It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …