It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
💀💀💀💀
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…