It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?