It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
