Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager