It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons