It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
what the hell pray for carter everyone
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid