It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
good work, detective
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
is he marrying that labradoodle
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re