It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
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Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I beg you to euthanise me
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
hand it over!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.