It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
This took me a second..
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.