It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
