It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
You Might Also Like
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“Huge”.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
