It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Not now. I’m deglazing.